Slurred voicemails to exes, bosses, friends...
Drunk Voicemails That Still Echo in Our Nightmares
That 2:47 a.m. slurred masterpiece you left for your ex, your boss, or worse—your mom.
The kind of voicemail that makes you pray carrier pigeons go extinct.
Laugh through the second-hand embarrassment. Submit yours below (we'll anonymize the truly cursed ones).
Hall of Fame: Voicemails That Deserve Their Own Wikipedia Page
#1 – The 7-Minute Marriage Proposal
"Baby… I know we broke up six months ago… but listen… I found the ring in my sock drawer… will you… [burp] …marry me right now?" Left for an ex who had already moved to another province. She saved it and plays it at parties.
—Now referred to as "The Ring Guy" in group chats
#2 – The Boss Karaoke Session
A full 3-minute off-key rendition of "I Will Always Love You" dedicated to the regional manager, ending with "You're the wind beneath my cubicle… call me." Sent at 3:11 a.m. Monday morning meeting was legendary.
—Promoted to "Entertainment Coordinator"
#3 – The Accidental Family Emergency
"Dad… I think I'm dying… everything is spinning… tell Mom I love her…" Left for dad after too many Jägerbombs. Dad called 911. Paramedics arrived to find the person asleep hugging the toilet.
—Family still asks "How's the dying going?" every Christmas
#4 – The Wrong Number Serenade
Left a full verse of "Can't Help Falling in Love" for a random number that turned out to be the local pizza place. They added it to their hold music for a week.
—Now gets free garlic bread for life (allegedly)
Classic Drunk Voicemail Tropes
4 minutes of "you're the only one who gets me" to someone who blocked you last Tuesday
"Baby one more time" but it's just wheezing and "I loooove youuuuuu"
"You're dead to me" left for your best friend instead of your ex
5 minutes of crying + "I'm totally fine, everything's great, why would you ask?"
Voicemail Apology Scripts (Record & Send Before You Chicken Out)
To Your Ex:
"Hey… that voicemail last night was drunk me doing stand-up without a script. Sorry for the emotional ambush. I'm good now. Hope you are too. Won't happen again."
To Your Boss:
"Morning—apologies for the late-night message. Had one too many. It was unprofessional and won't repeat. Fully on top of things today."
To a Friend:
"Delete that voicemail immediately. Drunk me thought he was Whitney Houston. Turns out he was just drunk. Beers on me next time."
Prevention Tips (We Still Ignore These)
- Phone in another room after midnight (or the freezer if you're serious)
- Delete contacts of exes/bosses before shots (rename them "NOPE")
- Use an app that requires a sobriety test to leave voicemails after 1 a.m.
- Tell your most savage friend: "If I call after midnight, screenshot the voicemail and blackmail me tomorrow"
- Just… go to bed like a responsible adult (we both know this is fiction)
What's the most cursed voicemail YOU'VE ever left?
Confess anonymously below or email shame@drunkshame.com
Best ones get added to the Hall of Fame (and eternal shame).