Drunk online shopping horror stories: cheese wheels, questionable tech, and items you forgot you bought. Plus: how to avoid it.
Core Topics: Bulk food purchases, weird tech, fitness gear, impulse beauty, regrettable apparel, return strategies, prevention hacks
Drunk Shopping Fails: When 2 a.m. Amazon Became Your Worst Enemy
That 55-gallon drum of lube you don’t remember ordering.
The 12 kg wheel of cheese that showed up at your door.
The inflatable unicorn float so big it blocked your hallway.
Laugh at the wreckage. Send us your drunk-purchase horror stories (receipts/photos welcome) — email shame@drunkshame.com. We’ll feature the most cursed ones.
Hall of Fame: Amazon Orders That Still Haunt Wallets & Dignity
#1 – The Legendary 55-Gallon Drum of Personal Lubricant
Price: ~$1,700. Delivery: forklift required. Use case: none. Guy ordered it blacked-out at 3 a.m., woke up to a semi-truck blocking his driveway and neighbors filming. Amazon wouldn’t take it back. He now has the most lubricated garage in the county.
—Legend says he still has 40 gallons left
#2 – The 12 kg (26 lb) Wheel of Cheddar
Ordered at 4 a.m. thinking it was hilarious. Woke up to a literal cheese wheel the size of a car tire on his porch. Ate cheddar for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for three months. Still finds chunks in the couch cushions.
—Now lactose intolerant by force
#3 – The Giant Inflatable Unicorn Pool Float (Adult Size)
Ordered at 2:30 a.m. after too many IPAs. Arrived in a box the size of a coffin. Took up half his living room. Tried to return it — Amazon said “enjoy the float.” Now uses it as a couch.
—His roommate still calls him “Unicorn Guy”
#4 – The 100-Pack of Glow-in-the-Dark Condoms
Thought it was funny at 3 a.m. Received a literal crate of glowing prophylactics. Tried to return — denied. Gave them out as party favors. Everyone still has one left “just in case.”
—Glows brighter than his dating life
Classic Drunk Shopping Categories
50 lb bag of rice, 24 jars of pickles, entire wheel of cheese
$400 drone nobody knows how to fly, laser keyboard that never worked
$300 adjustable dumbbells still in the box, ab rocket nobody assembled
12-pack of fake eyelashes, leopard-print onesie two sizes too small
Return Strategies (When Amazon Says “No Refunds, Buddy”)
The “I Was Hacked” Lie (Classic):
“Someone must have gotten into my account at 3 a.m. and ordered this. Can you help?” (Works ~40% of the time if you’re polite and it’s under $100.)
The Honest Shame Play:
“I was extremely drunk and ordered this by mistake. I’m so embarrassed. Can you please take it back?” (Customer service often feels bad and approves.)
The Nuclear Option (Resell It):
List it on Facebook Marketplace as “Brand new, never used, bought by drunk friend as joke.” Price it 20% below retail. Cry while someone buys your giant inflatable unicorn.
Prevention Hacks (Drunk You Will Still Ignore)
- Remove saved payment methods before drinking (or use a prepaid card with $50 limit)
- Install a browser extension that blocks Amazon after 11 p.m. (Search “StayFocusd” or “Freedom”)
- Hand your phone/laptop to a sober friend when you start adding to cart
- Enable “1-Click” off and force 2FA every purchase (pain in the ass = lifesaver)
- Just… don’t drink and shop online (we both know this is fiction)
What’s YOUR most cursed drunk purchase?
Confess below or email shame@drunkshame.com (receipts, photos, tracking numbers welcome).
The most legendary fails get immortalized here.